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Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I know that a common question asked of women who are pregnant after a loss is whether this makes the hurt from your loss lessen.

So far? No. And from what I've heard from women who are further along in their pregnancies than I am or who are parenting after a loss, it doesn't change.  Part of me actually hated having to relive finding out I'm pregnant.  And then being four weeks pregnant. And five weeks. And six weeks. And some part of me will hate every part of this pregnancy. Why? Because I shouldn't be experiencing it AGAIN. Not yet. I should be changing poopy diapers and nursing a newborn.  Caleb should be two and a half months old.  It doesn't make the fact that my friends had babies or are having babies soon any easier.  Because I should have been there first. It still hurts. It always will. It sucks and it's an unfair burden for them to carry, but they will always be reminders of what I don't have.

I am beyond excited about this baby, don't get me wrong. This baby will never replace Caleb, nor will he or she have to live up to the legacy of a baby who passed away. This is a different baby.  This is a baby who would have been here no matter what - they'll just be here a year or so earlier than we'd planned. And I hate that we have to meet them so much earlier.  I hate it.  It's not fair. I hate that life isn't fair. I hate that there's no way to go back and not have these thoughts and no way to go back to the naivety that I had before.

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