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Sunday, November 7, 2010

The "pregnant after loss" mindset is a sad one.

While pregnant after a loss, I don't think it is possible to become any more cynical, even if your name is Cynical McCynicstan.  I thought I was superstitious and cautious last time...this time I have glued a piece of 2x4 to my knuckles so I'm always knocking on wood.  And this pregnancy seems about as real as a flying mermaid riding a unicorn in Neverland while drinking New Coke.

While I was walking the dog yesterday, I started repeating the famous "Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby" mantra.  Then I realized...well, that's great for today, but what about tomorrow and the next day and the next nine months?  So I added, "And I will bring this baby home."  Then I thought of the moms I know who brought their babies home in an urn and clarified: "I'd better specify. I will bring this baby home ALIVE."  And then I remembered Chris and thought, "I'd better say 'we' to keep Chris safe. We will bring this baby home alive." And then I started thinking about infant loss and SIDS and felt the need to revise again: "Actually, better change that. This baby will stay alive."  And then I realized that I was pretty much tempting fate to give me a baby with three eyes and no brain with that phrasing, so I started thinking, "Ok, I need to add 'healthy' in there. This baby will stay alive and healthy." Emphasis on the "this," the "baby," the "will," the "stay," the "alive," and the "healthy."

I think it's clear that this baby has given me OCD.

Today I am pregnant.
Today I love my baby.
This baby will stay alive and healthy.

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine what you have gone through, and what you are still going through. I have thought of you often, and I am so happy that you got your BFP! I will be thinking and praying for you and your husband that this will be your take home healthy & alive baby, you two deserve it!