I actually took today off work to rest and keep my feet up. The spotting hasn't returned, so I feel a modicum better, but who are we kidding? Not really. I'm still freaking out. Actually, freaking out isn't even the right state of mind. In denial? Definitely. I'm acting like I'm pregnant - I'm taking my prenatals and I've cut down my stripper and cocaine benders to just twice a week (do you know the self control that takes??). But I don't feel like I'm pregnant. Or like I could be pregnant. Or like I will ever be pregnant.
I'm going online and following the week-by-week development, I'm talking to Chris about it, I'm grocery shopping with pregnancy in mind, but I'm not connecting to it yet. I'm there mentally, but not emotionally. I don't feel it in my heart yet.
I don't remember if I felt like this last time, so I don't know if this is a normal almost-six-weeks-pregnant mindset or if this is just what happens when you're trying to protect your heart from another loss. Since I burst into tears every time I feel pain or a twinge, I don't know that I'm doing too well at that, but it definitely doesn't feel real.