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Thursday, November 11, 2010

And an update.

I actually took today off work to rest and keep my feet up. The spotting hasn't returned, so I feel a modicum better, but who are we kidding? Not really.  I'm still freaking out. Actually, freaking out isn't even the right state of mind. In denial? Definitely. I'm acting like I'm pregnant - I'm taking my prenatals and I've cut down my stripper and cocaine benders to just twice a week (do you know the self control that takes??). But I don't feel like I'm pregnant. Or like I could be pregnant. Or like I will ever be pregnant.

I'm going online and following the week-by-week development, I'm talking to Chris about it, I'm grocery shopping with pregnancy in mind, but I'm not connecting to it yet.  I'm there mentally, but not emotionally. I don't feel it in my heart yet.

I don't remember if I felt like this last time, so I don't know if this is a normal almost-six-weeks-pregnant mindset or if this is just what happens when you're trying to protect your heart from another loss.  Since I burst into tears every time I feel pain or a twinge, I don't know that I'm doing too well at that, but it definitely doesn't feel real.

4 comments:

  1. Lara, I'm so glad the spotting has stopped. FWIW, at less than 6 weeks I didn't feel pg at ALL, it really started happening around 7/8. I was crampy and afraid AF was coming, but other than that, never "felt" pg. I hoep that was the last of the scare for you. (((HUGS)))

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  2. I'm so sorry you have to go through spotting :( I totally agree with what you said about everyone that goes through a loss needing a free pass ticket. We lost our first baby (it was a missed miscarriage, I went in for an 11 week appt. and there was no heartbeat-baby had stopped growing three weeks earlier) and I was a train wreck with my second pregnancy. I started spotting from 7-11 weeks and I was convinced it was over. It was awful. I was such a basket case throughout the whole pregnancy, even after various ultrasounds and renting a doppler so I could hear his heartbeat. That said, he's a year old now and just fine. I think once you have a loss every pregnancy after will be scary until you're holding your baby in your arms. I hope everything goes well for you. I'll keep you in my prayers!

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  3. I feel the same way with this pregnancy. Except that I am nauseated all of the time. But with all of the infertility and the complications and loss with my last pregnancy, I feel someone is just effing with my life, and it would totally make sense for everything to go terribly wrong. So yeah, I'm having difficulty attaching to the idea of baby again.

    I guess where you hit superstition, I'm just hoping God doesn't hate me as much as I'm concerned he might.

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  4. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers stripping on my taskbar.

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