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Monday, November 29, 2010

Queasiness and Subterfuge


I have felt sick pretty much 24/7 the past few days. I haven't actually thrown up since The Deviled Egg Incident (awesome band name) but it's been close.  I don't want to eat anything, but I feel worse when I haven't eaten, so I keep trying to force myself. But then I feel sick from eating. It's a lose-lose situation. Which I am gladly accepting, don't get me wrong.  But it is making me worried about Australia a bit. Flying for 14+ hours with morning sickness? Or rather, all-day sickness? Um, no thanks. I've tried Sea Bands, which seem to take the edge off but don't fix the problem, and I drank a bunch of ginger ale today, which didn't do anything.  I'm going to try to run out to one of the pregnancy boutiques tomorrow and see if they have those Preggie Pops, which I want to boycott because of the name (equally on my shit list: preggers and prego) but which I'm hoping will do SOMETHING to ease the queasiness.


Tried to fake drinking wine at Thanksgiving Leftover day at the mother-in-laws. I was doing pretty good taking fake sips until everyone else was on their second glass and mine hadn't changed. So I started pouring it into my iced tea drink in my laps. That worked perfectly for a bit until the color changed so much you could tell it wasn't iced tea anymore. So I decided to set the iced tea cup on the floor next to my chair. The next time I subtly tried to reach down and pour some wine into the cup, it was loud and sounded like...well, sounded like liquid being poured into liquid. My mother-in-law immediately looked under the table and said, "What are you doing?? Are you spilling your wine on the floor??" I tried to show the iced tea and swirl it around so the ice made clinky noises and said, "No, it's just my iced tea!" but I'm 99.9% sure she didn't buy it. I need to do some damage control. Also, Chris was mad I wasted the wine, but she 100% sure would have figured it out if I hadn't had any, so I needed to at least try.


Wednesday is my first appointment. EEEEK. Also, 8 weeks today!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Holiday run, take one: check!

We survived the first big holiday of this pregnancy. Thanksgiving is done and over, with just one minor puking incident involving deviled eggs. Sorry if you love deviled eggs; I do. But I don't know that I can ever eat them again. Hint: When you're queasy and haven't had much to eat all day, don't eat three deviled eggs.

Other than that and a few instances of queasiness, all is going well. So far. Our first appointment is Wednesday and I'm hoping that we discover a gummy bear-shaped tiny person swimming around somewhere inside me.  We'll also be asking the doctor about a trip to Australia next week. Chris has to go for two weeks for work, and I'd love to go with him.  No amount of Googling has shown me that there is any risk of flying in the first trimester, and, as we all know, if Google doesn't have it, it doesn't exist. Therefore it must be safe. However, it's still a scary concept. But it's AUSTRALIA. A place to which I've never been, and to which Chris has already gone.  A place with kangaroos and koalas and I think everyone is upside down and the men all have hot accents. And it would not be even a little bit fair if Chris was able to go for a SECOND time before I even got to go once! And if we have a kid at the end of this whole thing, who knows when I'd be able to go again?  I asked Dr. Haney, the doctor who did my TAC, and he said I should absolutely go and there's no danger at all.  It won't make me miscarry if I wasn't going to anyway.  But I still want to make sure that my new doctor here in town approves as well. If she's even the slightest bit hesitant, I won't go. And I'll scheme of some way to keep Chris here.  It's only fair.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Seven Weeks

Welcome to week seven, where baby has (hopefully) progressed to a blueberry and where mom is (kind of) starting to calm down and get excited.  Today, anyway.  Chris and I are talking about when and where to tell our families and I think we've come up with a plan for Christmas.  It was - and still is - a big internal debate whether to tell at Christmas when I'll be two days short of 12 weeks or to wait until after the NT scan, which is scheduled for the 30th.  Initially we were going to tell at Christmas, but when the NT scan was scheduled just five days later, we thought maybe we should just wait our baby had a clean bill of health.  However, right this very moment (as it might change) we're leaning towards telling at Christmas. For one, all the family will be together. Also, if something did go wrong and we needed to deliver, I'd possibly have to have a classical c-section by that time so it'd be kind of a big deal, and the news would spread through the family quickly.  If we waited, there'd be no way to get the entire family together until Easter without arousing suspicion. And if you remember from last time, they're a suspicious bunch. I want to take them completely off guard this time.  And honestly...last time the NT scan came back 100% perfect and we still lost the baby. So a clean bill of health doesn't guarantee anything, obviously.

Yesterday was my sister's birthday slash engagement party, so I carried a glass of wine around with me the whole time and tried to take several conspicuous fake sips.  My mom said my dad is starting to suspect and I think at least one of my aunts is as well. Hopefully faking drinking yesterday and during Thanksgiving will lead them astray until we're ready to share. That makes me sound like an alcoholic, doesn't it? I'm not, I swear. But alcoholics probably say that too.  We're just big holiday wine drinkers! And I'm always first in line. Whoops. Back to the alcoholic statements. Which I'm not. Holiday wine-aholic, at the most.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I know that a common question asked of women who are pregnant after a loss is whether this makes the hurt from your loss lessen.

So far? No. And from what I've heard from women who are further along in their pregnancies than I am or who are parenting after a loss, it doesn't change.  Part of me actually hated having to relive finding out I'm pregnant.  And then being four weeks pregnant. And five weeks. And six weeks. And some part of me will hate every part of this pregnancy. Why? Because I shouldn't be experiencing it AGAIN. Not yet. I should be changing poopy diapers and nursing a newborn.  Caleb should be two and a half months old.  It doesn't make the fact that my friends had babies or are having babies soon any easier.  Because I should have been there first. It still hurts. It always will. It sucks and it's an unfair burden for them to carry, but they will always be reminders of what I don't have.

I am beyond excited about this baby, don't get me wrong. This baby will never replace Caleb, nor will he or she have to live up to the legacy of a baby who passed away. This is a different baby.  This is a baby who would have been here no matter what - they'll just be here a year or so earlier than we'd planned. And I hate that we have to meet them so much earlier.  I hate it.  It's not fair. I hate that life isn't fair. I hate that there's no way to go back and not have these thoughts and no way to go back to the naivety that I had before.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Six weeks and so long to go...

Hey, look! I have a sweet pea nestled deep in my belly somewhere...and it's not from yesterday's dinner. I was hoping for a baby, but I'll take a sweet pea.  Six weeks today. Thirty-four left!  And actually, since I'll have a C-section around 38 weeks, it's down to thirty-six.  Time is melting away!


Going so slowly.  Can't wait for the holidays - hoping that once Thanksgiving week hits it will go so fast that I'll be in my second trimester before I know it.

1     2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9 10
11 12  13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40

Hmm. That did not help matters.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

And an update.

I actually took today off work to rest and keep my feet up. The spotting hasn't returned, so I feel a modicum better, but who are we kidding? Not really.  I'm still freaking out. Actually, freaking out isn't even the right state of mind. In denial? Definitely. I'm acting like I'm pregnant - I'm taking my prenatals and I've cut down my stripper and cocaine benders to just twice a week (do you know the self control that takes??). But I don't feel like I'm pregnant. Or like I could be pregnant. Or like I will ever be pregnant.

I'm going online and following the week-by-week development, I'm talking to Chris about it, I'm grocery shopping with pregnancy in mind, but I'm not connecting to it yet.  I'm there mentally, but not emotionally. I don't feel it in my heart yet.

I don't remember if I felt like this last time, so I don't know if this is a normal almost-six-weeks-pregnant mindset or if this is just what happens when you're trying to protect your heart from another loss.  Since I burst into tears every time I feel pain or a twinge, I don't know that I'm doing too well at that, but it definitely doesn't feel real.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Aaaand I'm spotting.

5w2d. Last time it started around 6 weeks - well, when they said I should expect spotting because they could see blood around the cervix but it never happened. Real true spotting began at 8 weeks, and then continued off and on (more on than off towards the end) until he was born.

So now...now I am fifty steps back. I was trying to be so positive. I know mentally you can't jinx a pregnancy, but I'm still asking myself what I did. Was it scheduling the NT ultrasound? Was it feeling a little bit hopeful yesterday? Was it not ending my last couple posts with "Today I am pregnant and today I love my baby."? What did I do wrong here?

I think once you've had a loss, you should get a FREE FRICKING TICKET on the worry-free pregnancy train. Where do I go to get my refund??

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Ok, I am taking down the last post I wrote. I'm freaking myself out way too much. There is nothing I can do to jinx this. Last time I was insanely superstitious (which is ridiculous, because I'm not like that when I'm not pregnant!) and fat lot of good that did me OR Caleb.  There is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy have a happy ending in nine months and nothing I can do to make me lose it tomorrow.

I wish this wasn't so scary.

I don't even want to write this...

...because I'm dumb and am just freaking myself out. Can someone PLEASE come take all these damn pee sticks away from me?

I got a package yesterday and realized that a while ago I'd ordered some special pregnancy tests that are available in Canada but not the state - they not only tell you you're pregnant, but also how far along you are. So I also have three of those, in addition to the ones I mentioned yesterday. I REALLY wanted to be sure, guys. Duh.

Anyway, so since I had the pink line First Response one right in front of me, I peed on it. And then I figured I might as well try one of the new Clear Blue digitals from Canada. Both came up positive, BUT. The First Response - which came up immediately and dark with Caleb - took a minute to appear and wasn't as dark or thick as the control line. The digital said pregnant as well, but it also said 2-3 weeks pregnant (so 4-5 weeks gestationally). I'm 5 weeks, 2 days, so it could be right, but at the rate that my HCG was rising, it should be well over 4,000 by now. Which is average for 25 days post ovulation, which is where I'll be on this Friday...or when I'll be very nearly six weeks. So shouldn't it have said 3-4 weeks if my HCG levels were still rising and hadn't started to go down??

I know I need to stop peeing on things, but I'll probably do another Clear Blue test next Monday to see if the numbers changed at all.

Plus I scheduled my NT scan today for December 30, so today I'm really feeling like everything is being jinxed. It's almost two months out, but I had to schedule it early because during the short timeframe when I could get it there are four holidays when the doctor's office is closed, and between the limited time slots and everyone wanting to get in before the New Year the slots were filling fast.

UGH. I suck. Why am I doing this? I laugh at other people who flip out about lighter tests.  Am I one of those idiots?

I mean, clearly yes.

And especially yes since I just read the instructions and it said to get the most accurate dating, you need to use first morning urine, which mine was not.

So maybe this freakout was all in my head. You know what that makes me want to do, don't you?

Pee on something else tomorrow morning.

But I promise you, my blog readers...ok, readER...that I won't. I'll wait. I'll try to wait, at least.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I need to stop peeing on things.

But I did again yesterday. And lo, but did a super dark super fast line appeared.

Comparison of 14dpo, 17dpo, and 20dpo:

Super observant people might notice that the one I posted from the other day is not pictured here, so yes...that's five total tests so far. I have one digital and one dollar store cheapie left. I mean, it'd be a waste to NOT pee on them.....right?

Update: Um, well, that's a lie. I have two dollar store cheapies, one digital, a Target cheapie, and two First Response tests. That's six...two a week until my first doctor's appointment on December 1?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The "pregnant after loss" mindset is a sad one.

While pregnant after a loss, I don't think it is possible to become any more cynical, even if your name is Cynical McCynicstan.  I thought I was superstitious and cautious last time...this time I have glued a piece of 2x4 to my knuckles so I'm always knocking on wood.  And this pregnancy seems about as real as a flying mermaid riding a unicorn in Neverland while drinking New Coke.

While I was walking the dog yesterday, I started repeating the famous "Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby" mantra.  Then I realized...well, that's great for today, but what about tomorrow and the next day and the next nine months?  So I added, "And I will bring this baby home."  Then I thought of the moms I know who brought their babies home in an urn and clarified: "I'd better specify. I will bring this baby home ALIVE."  And then I remembered Chris and thought, "I'd better say 'we' to keep Chris safe. We will bring this baby home alive." And then I started thinking about infant loss and SIDS and felt the need to revise again: "Actually, better change that. This baby will stay alive."  And then I realized that I was pretty much tempting fate to give me a baby with three eyes and no brain with that phrasing, so I started thinking, "Ok, I need to add 'healthy' in there. This baby will stay alive and healthy." Emphasis on the "this," the "baby," the "will," the "stay," the "alive," and the "healthy."

I think it's clear that this baby has given me OCD.

Today I am pregnant.
Today I love my baby.
This baby will stay alive and healthy.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Double Stuff

Good news: the betas doubled!

531 at 16dpo
1308 at 18dpo

That's a doubling time of just over 36 hours, which is well under the 48-72 hour marker they look for. 

So that's one milestone to cross off. Now I just have to make it to tomorrow...and Sunday...and Monday...and six weeks...and seven weeks...and eight weeks...and holy cow that's overwhelming. Hopefully with the craziness of the holidays just around the corner the time will fly by, but I doubt it since obviously the best part of the holidays is drinking and I won't be participating in that pastime.

NOT THAT I MIND, BABY.  Don't take that to mean you should depart anytime soon. I'm cool with it. Water is just as good as wine!

Okay, I can't start lying to you this early, baby. It's not true. Wine is delicious. But I'm happy to make the sacrifice for you, so again: STAY PUT.

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Um, I know it means nothing...

But I tested again. You know, just to be sure. Even though it would mean nothing; with a first beta of over 500 it could take weeks for the hCG to leave my system if I had a miscarriage. I just really wanted to see the line get darker from the first test.

And it did. It didn't get as dark as the control, which I kind of hate, but at least it's darker.

Don't you love seeing things I peed on like every post?

Compared to day one:

Darker, yes?  I don't care what your answer is. I'm calling it darker.  And now I kind of want to go pee on something again.

(P.S. I totally did.)

Today I am MORE pregnant and today I love my baby!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Beta Results

Yesterday after work I went to Whole Foods, because I figured there couldn't possibly be a better way to entice this baby to stick around than to drop $200 on three day's worth of food.  While I was walking down an aisle, I just started to cry. I'm still not entirely sure why - I don't think you can blame hormones at 4 weeks - but I just got overwhelmed with the thought of another pregnancy. It just seems so impossible that I could actually be bringing a baby home in nine months.  Then I got home and had that tiniest bit of brown spotting and just...well, not gave up, but certainly put it in a box and put that box under the couch where our dog hides his broken toys. Out of site, out of mind, out of heart.

I decided to call this morning to see if I could get my betas drawn, just to see if it's even a viable pregnancy. Isn't that terrible? Most women in my position assume it IS; most baby loss mamas assume it ISN'T.  Sigh. Jaded bitches, the lot of us.   The doctor's office agreed and I got in right away, and they just called back with the results.

531 at 16 days post ovulation.

I think I'm having triplets.

The average number for triplets at that time is 526, so maybe actually it's quads.

Kidding. For a singleton pregnancy the average is 203, but the range of normal is ENORMOUS - like 4 to 9,000. So I'm well within normal, even for a singleton pregnancy.  And no one in my family has ever had twins, and we weren't on any fertility meds, so I think I'm good.

What really matters is that the 531 turns into over 1062 within 72 hours. The doubling time is the thing that counts. So I go back Friday for my second blood draw, and if it's over 1000, then they call it good until my first appointment on the 1st.

Fingers crossed. I can't believe I let myself get even a little excited. Knock on wood. Again. My knuckles are raw.

And as always: Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

What's the opposite of confident?

Because that's what I am. I'm the total and complete opposite of confident in this pregnancy. It started with the light line.  Then it continued with the lack of symptoms. Then it increased with some weird pain around where I guess my cerlage is, and blew up all over the place when I went to the bathroom and had brown-tinged cervical mucus.

Oh, hi. If you didn't already know, this blog will talk about lots and lots of wonderfully disgusting things like cervical mucus, poop, blood, and zombies.

So I'm just going to say this: FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK.  I hope in nine months I'm looking back at these feelings and thinking about ways I can use them to guilt my child into doing my laundry or mowing. I hope this cerclage sucker is doing its job.

Oh, and: Today I am pregnant and today I love my baby.

And the digital says...



Still cautious. A positive test doesn't mean anything, except that at one point you were pregnant. It doesn't mean that I will be in two weeks or four weeks or four months. So in the spirit of not taking anything for granted, once again:

Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Let's try this again.

I'm keeping this blog secret for a while, so if you know me at my other blog or in real life, please don't say anything...especially on Facebook!

I just - like less than an hour ago - found out I'm pregnant. Again. I discovered I was pregnant previously in December of 2009, and went into premature labor and lost our son Caleb in April 2010.  After that loss, I was diagnosed with likely incompetent cervix and underwent surgery to correct it permanently (called a trans-abdominal cerclage).  While it means I'll have to have a c-section for this baby (who WILL be coming home!...right?), I'm totally down with that if it means that in nine months I get to complain about my lack of sleep due to a squealing newborn.

I'm exactly 4 weeks pregnant today and our due date is July 11, 2011. I would love the next nine months to fly by. Last time, it was pretty slow from the time I found out until about nine weeks, and then from then until 20 weeks it went quickly. I hope it's the same way this time, with a different ending, obviously. 

So I don't have any symptoms right now. Nothing to write home about, anyway. Unless you regularly write home about gas or diarrhea or other unmentionable bodily functions.  Which I hope you don't. 

My pregnancy with Caleb was similarly boring at the beginning. While I didn't have a lot of symptoms - very mild nausea, tiredness, some cramping and stretching in the interior lady parts - I did have bleeding off and on from six weeks until...well, until he was born just halfway into my pregnancy.  Hopefully this kiddo's path sharply diverges from that one and takes the road less bloody. 

I'm terrified. I'm way too knowledgeable about everything that can go wrong this time around, from chemical pregnancies to molar pregnancies to early losses to 2nd trimester losses to still birth to infant loss to infections to placental abruption to dear god just so many damn things.  I approach this pregnancy with a healthy dose of reality and temperance and reality. I don't know when I'll let myself believe it or get excited about it.  I do know that I'm about to duct tape my hands down to keep myself from knocking on every piece of wood I see.  I'm going to turn into a superstitious crazy lady...and not because of the hormones.  When I bought the pregnancy tests, I also bought a box of tampons and a bottle of wine to offset it and let the universe know that I wasn't jinxing anything, I swear!

So. I'll end this post like I ended my first post about Caleb's pregnancy.  A picture of the test. I'm 14 days post ovulation and missed my period by two days. The line, it's light. That worries me. However, breathing worries me. Typing this worries me. Eating a s'more today worries me. I may be better off counting what doesn't worry me for the next 36 weeks.

I'll be confirming with a digital test tomorrow morning. Please, please let this one work.

As my pregnant after loss mamas have taught me: Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby.