It's frankly impossible to believe that one year ago today I delivered Caleb. Impossible in every way - how did I survive a full year after my baby died? How has it been that long? How hasn't it already been a lifetime?
It's hard to be sad when there's this little girl bouncing off the (uterine) wall and making me smile with each movement (but, uh, if you could just scoot off that sciatic nerve it'd be great, honey!). But it still hits me like a ton of bricks: what I was doing this time last year (at this exact hour, I was laying in a recovery room on the opposite side of the maternity ward from all the happy families). What I was feeling. How different I am now. Then, I never thought I'd get to where I am now. But I'm here, and I'm grateful to be here. I wish it had been a different path. Oh, how I wish. But I'm here.
Happy birthday, tiny man. I miss you.