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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Birth and Death

Sadly, Chris's grandmother died last night.  In an odd series of events, the cause went from being a stroke to a brain tumor to not a brain tumor but some other type of mass in the brain to gout (gout??!?!). So in other words, I have no idea what happened and she could have been run over by a rampaging llama for all I know.  It's very sad, but her husband passed away less than a year ago and she was in her late 80's, so not entirely unexpected.  She was a beautiful woman with a sharp sense of humor who loved to knock her husband down a peg (he was still a ladykiller at 90 and knew it), play cards (and beat the piss out of the "old people" at the home), and drink (it was never too early - we'd get there at 10am and she'd offer us a cocktail).  We'll definitely miss her and I'm so sad she missed the baby by literally weeks.

We have to travel 45 minutes for the funeral and surrounding family events, and being 9 months pregnant has certainly put a twist on the usual mourning thoughts, like:

1. What is the protocol if your water breaks in the middle of a funeral?
2. If I went into labor there, would I have time to drive back to my hospital here in town or would I be forced to deliver at a hospital there? 
3. Where can I strategically place myself during the funeral so I can pee at least two or three times without bringing more attention to myself than the smuggling-a-basketball-in-my-dress look will already be attracting?
4. Driving for 45 minutes = ouch, my poor poor vagina and ribs.
5. Maybe Chris can take all bumpy back roads on the way home since that's supposed to help encourage labor and at that point (Monday) I'll be full term.
6. Is it really bad that I'm thinking all this stuff instead of concentrating on, you know, the whole death thing? Is there some evolutionary standard that makes it so you can't think of anything but BABY. BABY. OMG BABY. BABY COMING SOON. MUST THINK OF BABY!? Because everything comes back to this damn baby lately. Ok. Lately? More like for the past 32 weeks. Since I first peed on the stick.
7. Man, there is going to be a LOT of drinking at this family gathering and I won't be able to partake. 
8. OMG, don't forget to refill your Tums stash in your purse otherwise it could get interesting. And embarrasing. And there's no dog there to blame it on.

I'm looking forward to seeing all Chris's family again since I haven't seen them since his grandfather passed away, but I do wish it was happier circumstances. They're a fun bunch in less depressing situations.  I do like picturing his grandma and grandpa together again, since I'm sure John (grandpa) got sick of chasing all the hot young angels in short dresses around (that's what I see at Halloween and I'm pretty sure that's based on biblical truth) and missed Kathie (grandma) a lot. And she probably missed having someone around to roll her eyes at and to share a drink with at 9am (we think grandma was probably pickled).

Rest in peace, grandma Kathie. And thank you for not going on the same day that the baby was born so that I didn't have to wonder the rest of my life if she was actually your reincarnated being! (See: everything goes back to the baby. Sigh.)


  1. I must say, I think that second to last paragraph is a very accurate portrayal of what they are like right now

  2. OMG you are hilarious! I laughed so hard I nearly peed (which is not too difficult now, as you have probably noticed).