Tuesday, April 24, 2012
It's been long enough since Carys was born that people are starting to ask about when we're going to have more children (because, as is everything with children, it's totally their business!).
I know I want more children. At least one more, if not two or three more. I'm probably slightly crazy. I love kids. I loved being pregnant. I definitely want siblings for Carys. I was one of four, and enjoyed the larger family. Chris is on board for one more for sure and says "we'll talk" about more beyond that. But I don't really "need" his "permission" for more after that. JUST KIDDING I WILL NOT STEAL HIS SPERM I SWEAR. I'll borrrow it. He'll get it back! In the form of a child! KIDDING AGAIN. I'll beg and cajole.
Right now, I am enjoying doting on Carys and giving her my full attention. I love being able to attend to her needs fully without having to worry about anyone else needing me. I love spending time rocking her to sleep, the occasional bed-sharing, the nursing, the exclusive bond we have, the state of the three of us. I am loathe to interrupt it. I am loathe to split attention, share my love. It'd be nice if, when I was pregnant or caring for a newborn, she was old enough to play by herself and a little more understanding of a tired mom, whereas with a toddler it's GO GO GO MOM MOM GO GO PLAY MOM HEY MOM PLAY ATTENTION MOM. Although she very well may be GO GO GO at three or four or five too.
On the other side: old eggs. Time. Not wanting to wait too long. I'm 31. I know that's not old old, but in reproductive terms, it's getting there. And I don't want to decide we're ready for a sibling (or two) and then not be able to do it because we waited too long. I know trying tomorrow doesn't guarantee a sibling, but the odds are better than if we wait three or four years. I want the kids fairly close together. I love the idea of two close in age because their interests and abilities will be closer together. I'd rather deal with two kids in diapers concurrently and be done with it than deal with it for a longer period of time. I don't want to store all of this baby stuff (let's be real: this SHIT) for years and years. And I already miss being pregnant and get newborn fever every time I see a tiny little baby.
(Side note about old ass eggs: At work today I heard two kids talking about the strip club that they went to over the weekend and one of them said, "She was talking to me and said she was almost thirty! She didn't move like an almost-thirty-year-old!" Were they expecting a walker? Is almost thirty the new eighty?)
Not that I can do anything right now: mother nature is still withholding her monthly gift. I'm sure she thinks she's doing me a favor since I've cursed it since day one but HEY LADY. You aren't. Well, I guess you are in that you're making it easier for now as I can delay having to make the decision. But as I would like to nurse until Carys is two, eventually I might have to make the tough decision whether to wean her before either of us are ready so we can start trying, or to wait until my "ideal" 18-24 month gap and possibly the option of a second or third kid down the line is gone (or greatly diminished, at least).
One thing I have to remember is that even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd still have a full nine (almost ten!) months with Carys alone. The new baby wouldn't be coming home with us the day I found out. We'd have plenty of time to adjust and I'd have many more months as a family of three before I had to even start thinking about what it would be like as a family of four.
So we'll likely start trying as soon as that usually-unwelcome-but-for-a-month-or-two-welcome-and-then-she'd-better-leave-again-only-this-time-because-I'm-knocked-the-heck-up visitor returns. If it hasn't returned by July, I'll have to start thinking seriously about whether to wean or re-think our family plans entirely.