I'm not sure where this post belongs, on this blog or on my loss blog. But I think here, because while it has more to do with Caleb and my feelings about him, it also is about this pregnancy, and I promised no baby talk on my other blog. So far I've been told that, "This is awesome! Since you're pregnant again, everything's better, right?" Um, no. This does not in any way take away the pain that was caused by losing our first baby. That'd be a mighty big order for a baby who is thus far the size of a plum. That'd be a mighty big order for a newborn, for a toddler, a high-schooler, an adult. No one should have to carry that burden. This baby is a different baby. This baby is a baby who would have been here someday and is just arriving a couple years earlier than I would have liked. This isn't our oldest or only baby. This is Caleb's little brother or sister - a separate, different baby. One that doesn't replace our first baby. One that doesn't mitigate the pain I felt the moment I realized I was going to lose Caleb, an instant in time that I remember as clearly as I do this morning's breakfast.
I've also been puzzled by people's reactions. So many people are responding like this is our first pregnancy. I honestly don't know what I expected, but maybe an acknowledgment that this is a scary road? Or maybe like my cousin, who said, "Congrats!! I'm so happy for you, and you already have an angel in your corner!" I'm probably asking too much of people, though. They don't know what to say, or whether to say anything, or what it's like. If I wasn't in this position, I'd probably respond the wrong way too. And actually I take that back. It's not the wrong way. No one (ok, the person who said it was all better, but other than that) has said anything wrong. It's just that so few people have said what I at times need to hear, which is just a recognition of what I've already gone through. And a totally irrational thought? I hate hearing that because I had morning sickness with this pregnancy or because I'm not bleeding with this pregnancy that it's a better pregnancy. It makes me feel so immensely guilty that I failed Caleb last time because I wasn't able to throw up or keep him safe and makes me feel like they're saying Caleb was doomed from the start.
It's a terrifying, scary, bumpy road that you're sure is going to come crashing down on you any moment. I know every pregnant women is nervous about losing her baby, but for most of them, that fear greatly diminishes in the second trimester. That fear is going to increase for me, and it's a fear I know very few people can relate to. I'm so, so glad I have friends like Maggie and Jen and a few others who aren't "out" yet so I won't mention, but they are all on this same road with me and understand literally every single emotion that this journey brings with it.
And my hope for 2011 is that we all have healthy babies. And my other hope for 2011 is that Courtney and the other families (all my TTCAL ladies) who are trying so hard to get a ride on this scary road are able to jump on (I take that back...claw their way on. I *wish* it were as easy as just jumping on).
Here's to a new year, hopefully filled with happier endings than 2010.