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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Baby Body : The Aftermath

If you remember, I posted about what pregnancy was doing to my body in my semi-weekly updates.

Stretch marks? Yes. Not many. Fairly light. Named Judy.
Pizza face? Yes hello I was 14 again.

That was about it. I never got the amazing hair and nails others get. At the very end, my ankles would swell up if I was on my feet too long but it wasn't a regular thing. I never got a linea nigera. I'm not taking the time to Google the right spelling of that so if it's wrong I hope you know what I mean, and I'm sure you probably do, and if you don't, well, you're just being an ass now. My boobs were always big. They may have gotten bigger, but after "enormous" you just kind of lose track. Extra enormous?

(Of course I couldn't let that go so I Googled it and it's nigra not nigera. Damn.)

So mostly I was dealing with some stretch marks, a lot of cellulite, and a face that looked like I rubbed it in deep fat fryer grease every night.

And of course the somewhere between 30 and 60 pounds of baby weight I gained. (I honestly don't know how much it was - I never looked at a scale and just asked the doctor to let me know if I needed to gain more or less.) (Hint: It was not 30.)

Oh. And a big ass scar across my belly. That too.

Almost a year later, I am most pleased to report that everything has gone back to normal for the most part. The stretch marks are super faint and barely visible - Chris claims to not see them at all (aww, thanks for the lies, honey!). The cellulite, miracle of miracles, has DISAPPEARED, or at least returned to pre-pregnancy levels (and actually I think it's less, since I lost weight overall). The pizza face took nine months but it's finally better too.  I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight plus some (why? nursing + less time to eat + no more fast food!). The c-section scar is flat and light.

All in all, pregnancy did not wreck my body in the ways that I had anticipated.

There was one unexpected casualty, though.


In that I have none. I have no ass. I always had a cute little (at times big) butt. No longer. It's gone. It's flat as a pancake. It doesn't fill out jeans or tight skirts anymore. I'm not sure I wore enough tight skirts before I lost it. If you still have an ass, go put on a tight skirt. If you ever lose an ass as I have, I wouldn't want you to worry that you didn't wear enough tight skirts when you had one.

Goodbye, booty (my new more motherly term). I hardly knew ye.


  1. Hahaha. I never had boobs. Never gained boobs during pregnancy or anytime I've gained weight. Yet, whenever I start to lose weight, the girls get even smaller! Wtf world?! ;)

  2. My ass is gone. :( It was the only thing (besides long hair) that I felt made me look less boyish and angular because I only had the little bewbs back then. Now with the nursing, I may as well be concave back there. Hello, Mom Butt.